Daisy, My Ferret

I lost my fur-baby, Daisy, two days ago. It was sudden and we had no warning signs, but from what we can tell, she wasn’t in any pain. I am posting this because I want to and for me, it is important to share it.

 

(Here she is, sleeping in the hammock that I made for her. Click to enlarge the picture.)

I don’t know what to do without her. No matter where I turn, things remind me of her. I turn off a lamp to keep her from waking up even though she is in the ground and her cage is no longer in the room. I can’t crush 2-liter bottles for fear I’ll disturb her cause she gets excited when she hears the crinkling noise they make. I’ll no longer be able to give her all her favorite treats and affectionately snuggle her and call her “fat-butt”. Well, she was my Little Girl.

We had a routine. I would cuddle her after I’d let her out of her cage. She would wriggle around in my arms, trying to get out of my embrace so she could play. I’d set her down on the bed and she’d follow me from one side to the other, eventually jumping up and placing her two front paws against my stomach. Then she’d go and bite my boyfriend’s feet cause she thought he was a playmate. If I left my cellphone on the bed, she would paw at it and then flip it over until it fell off the bed. I learned quickly not to stash food anywhere near her because she’d rip open the packaging faster than I could.

Someone told me she must have been very happy with me and that she had a good life because she never showed signs of illness or pain. Who knows if that’s true? I don’t, but I’ve been hiding the full extent of my hurt and trying to keep the tears in because I don’t want to bring worry to anyone.

I have been devastated and depressed for the past two days. Pet parents understand this loss, I’m sure. It’s never been easy, and it never will be easy. I am also seriously considering never getting another pet again. I feel like a part of my heart is ripped out whenever they die. Still, I will fondly remember her as the wonderful, talented escape artist she was.

I Didn’t Recognize Myself Today

I didn’t recognize myself today.
The doctor says “you’ll be okay”,
But how can it honestly be “okay”
When everyday simply washes up grey?

Doctor, you shrug it off and brush me aside.
I feel betrayed; I’m soon led away.
Off into the van to brief respite,
While, with my meds, you tinker and play.

And it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t add up.
The same routine to everyday.
My inner voice tells me, “you should be dead.
Just wake up and panic; you’ll be okay.”

I didn’t recognize myself yesterday,
With these memories from a different life.
And I thought I was worse, I soon was surprised,
To find myself broken, but still here, alive.

 

Since I have so few readers and outreach on this blog, I felt like sharing some poetry, which is, in fact, my first hand at poetry in about seven years. It’s been such a long time and I’m not begging for kindness or asking for any sort of criticism, just please be respectful that this is an early draft. By no means is it a reflection of any finalized work. Consider this my ice-breaking attempt to get back into the wonderful world of creative writing, which my doctor recommended.

My Thoughts on Thanksgiving

Hello, everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and, if you are gearing up for shopping this morning, a safe Black Friday as well. I will not be going out because yesterday, I received the means for cooking a wonderful Thanksgiving meal and, because of my family’s schedule, I will be preparing it overnight. On the very snowy day before Thanksgiving, my boyfriend and I drove halfway to my mom’s house to meet her. With her, she brought me food and goodies including the 18-quart Nesco roasting oven my Grammy wasn’t using anymore. See, our oven died a little bit ago and we just haven’t had the money to get a new one. Already saddled with a decent amount of debt and now, some hospital bills on top of it, a new range just hasn’t reached the top of the priorities list.

I am thankful for my family who has always been there for me. I am thankful for the things, great and small, that make life worth living: from my ferret’s playful romping to a visit from a loved one. I am thankful that I have a little bit of time and the resources needed to give help to others who need it. I am thankful for those who think of me when I need that little bit of extra help to get by. I am thankful for my readers and my friends who have encouraged me to continue blogging and I am thankful that I am still alive despite everything I’ve been through.

So if you haven’t already, I encourage you to take some time to think about what you’re thankful for. I wish you the very best, dear Reader, for a wonderful holiday season full of prosperity, joy, and plenty of opportunities to give what you can to others. Happy Holidays!

A Small Break for Sanity’s Sake

I just wanted to let everyone know that I haven’t left the blogging world, I’ve simply not had the time to post. Last week, I was in the Emergency Room and two weeks before that, my boyfriend was in twice. It’s been a crazy couple of weeks, with illnesses, medications, and doctors. I’m still around, I’m just taking a little break while I regroup and get back on track because I literally made myself sick with worry.

In other news, I’ve been feeling depressed because I’ve been seeing signs of this at night and in the early morning:

Even though it’s mid-November, it’s still too early (to me anyway) for the dreaded, cold-weather precipitation that shall not be named. Stay toasty warm, my friends!

Symptoms of My Negative Thoughts

It might just be me, with the panic disorder and all, but I am flat out confused by what goes through my brain half the time. Sometimes the fear I feel is rational and sometimes it is irrational; fears of change, the unexpected, and the things I cannot control. Some of the symptoms that go along with my panic certainly don’t help, often putting more stress on an already delicate situation.

Derealization/Depersonalization: From my own experience and what I’ve found in studies and articles, this is the actual name for this symptom. After my panic attacks, I face a detachment from reality that persists for quite a while. Sometimes without reason or cause, this symptom will appear. I feel like I am not in control of my body; like I am floating, unable to talk, and paralyzed. I lose touch with where I am and even who I am. For an actual definition, click here.

Brain Zaps: This has more to do with the physical chemistry of the brain itself, but it is not usually talked about so I thought it was important. Sometimes when I am tapering off psychiatric medications, I feel like something is occasionally surging in my brain. It’s like a jolt of electricity causing things to go haywire for a second as my brain scrambles to keep up. This is poorly researched in medicine and this usually doesn’t make the list of medication withdrawal symptoms your doctor may tell you about if you ask. However, I have seen it referred to in mental illness forums and I did find this article here which actually goes into some detail. While I don’t necessarily condone taking more medication to counteract the effects of medication or its absence, sometimes it’s all I can do to combat Geodon withdrawal by taking a small dose of Benadryl.

Am I going crazy? Being unsure of who I am: I pose this as a question because this particular thought goes through my head quite frequently. I wonder if I’m going crazy and if I have a different form of personality disorder because I have so many thoughts racing through my head. They are all my own inner voice, but sometimes I panic and try to decide if they really are my own and not just thoughts that someone else put there in his or her own voice. When I experience negative thoughts, I remember that they are similar to what I heard in middle and high school; being that kids will sometimes taunt each other mercilessly and I often remember that kind of treatment. Then I become unsure of who I am and what I am supposed to do. I feel empty inside and torn between giving up and trying to get better.

Over Analyzing: This is something anybody can go through. Negative thinking reinforced the bad habit of over analyzing until it became part of my nature. I have over analyzing thoughts quite frequently and oftentimes, they overlap one another. I never really get a break from some sort of racing thoughts without taking a sedative. There are ways to challenge this negativity, but usually at this point it’s completely consumed me and I’ve choked down a sedative. At that point, I just hang on for the rest of the ride. I used to make great strides in combating negative thinking and over analyzing, and followed the steps here. It’s easier said than done to break through over analyzing, but it is possible with a lot of guided help.

Tell Me: Have you ever had any of the symptoms above? How did you handle them?

Thought of the Week

(click image to enlarge)

“Mental Illness can be an ‘invisible disability’ but I’m not sure it should be.”  -Natalie Jeanne Champagne

This quote is just vague enough to be seen from a few different perspectives. The word “invisible” stands out for a few reasons. When I first think of the words “mental illness,” I do think invisible; an illness that is born from the mind from an uncontrollable factor (such as trauma, abuse, or even genetics) and shows no outward appearances. After thinking about it just a little longer, I realize that mental illness can be visible in a person’s actions and appearance. Mental illnesses have such a profound influence on outward appearances and mannerisms though sometimes people just don’t care to observe.

“Invisible,” in the face of the public perhaps, that because it can’t be seen immediately, it doesn’t exist. But it is there and it is very real. There is a massive pool of stigma that surrounds mental illness because at first glance, people can’t see a physical disability. I’ve heard the argument a few times that mental illness is not a real illness and therefore cannot be considered a disability, especially from “old school” doctors. I think this could not be any further from the truth, especially to those people who have a severe mental illness. I think the word “disability” is important here as well. In my experience, disabilities typically interfere with the ability to obtain or maintain successful and substantial employment. However, the full spectrum of disability also includes an alteration of lifestyle that is damaging to a person. Barely able to function on even a basic level, comes to mind.

I also think about the use of the words “can be.” Perhaps a mental illness can be anything: it can be inspiration, it can be consuming, it can be the worst thing ever to affect your life. Turning a mental illness into an “invisible disability” might mean that you aren’t telling anyone how you feel or the pain that you’re in and that this should not be. Perhaps the writer means that “invisible” is not how a mental illness should be seen by the public. I would certainly agree with that. All speculation aside, I think this quote is a great one for starting a discussion on how the public and the mentally disabled view mental illnesses.

Tell Me: What are your thoughts pertaining to this quote; “invisible disabilities” and how we perceive mental illness and the stigma around it?

Don’t Give it Permanent Markers: Mental Illness Can’t Control You

The point that you let a mental illness control you is a major setback. A mental illness is simply that, an illness. It may be temporary or permanent, but you are in charge. Letting an illness take control of your life is like handing permanent markers to a toddler without giving them paper to draw on. It’s risky. If you don’t give them the proper tools and say “no” to wall art, you’re likely to feel the effects of colorful doodles on your kitchen walls; and that’s a lot of scrubbing to fix. When you don’t say “no” to an illness controlling you, it will leave scribbles on your personality and credibility. When and if you finally do say “no” to a mental illness, you will have to do an awful lot of scrubbing to restore yourself.

I’ve struggled with letting mental illness define me. It was easier to say “I have bipolar disorder; I can’t help it.” I chose to take my illness and turn it into this entity that was so much larger than me. One that had control over me and my actions. I lost my personality and credibility as I did things I shouldn’t have done. I became someone I didn’t want to be. Others’ justified my actions by saying, “you have bipolar disorder, you didn’t mean to do it.”

Bottom line, I have handled situations poorly and put myself in harm’s way several times. It was always smoothed over and then I was put on medications to mask the symptoms. As I grew older, I remembered what I was like when I was a teenager. So angry and sad. Part of my current panic with coming off medications is the fear that I will end up acting poorly again. I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know that blaming my illness for my wrong doings is just not right. After all, I still know right from wrong and those decisions still reflect on my judgment. I still have to make decisions and sometimes they will be good ones and sometimes they’ll be mistakes. That’s where I pick myself up, brush myself off, and go forward having learned an important lesson.

Tell Me: How do you say no to letting a mental illness control and define you?

Thought of the Week

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“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

The process of letting go works differently for everyone. No one way to go about healing is the right way for everyone. There are resources out there to help you move past anxiety or anger, but the work has to come from you. No one can do it for you.

Some of my biggest worries set in quite suddenly and for several of them I have absolutely no control over the outcome. At times, they can consume me and overwhelm me. I worry about what people think of me and sometimes I am terrified of getting into any situation that could cause me harm. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that all I want to do is hide in my bed surrounded by a fortress of comfy blankets and pillows. Yes, I still haven’t outgrown this from childhood. I would make a bed sheet fort once a week if I could justify it. I haven’t gotten to the point in my life where I’ve let go of my anxiety completely and I don’t think I ever will. In some ways, the anxiety makes me feel alive; it shows me that I’m still feeling, even when I wish I didn’t.

Yes, I do find myself feeling happy sometimes. I feel like I’ve let go of my problems for a little while. These brief, shiny gems of moments are like sunsets; some are memorable and some aren’t, yet they all are beautiful. A moment like a week ago, when I got to see my family after a long time apart. Or the other day when I made brownies in my new slow cooker and got to watch them bake. I was like a child with an Easy Bake oven. My point is you don’t have to wait for happiness, freedom, and beauty to come to you. Seek it out. Realize that it exists no matter how dismal your situation may be at the moment. Let go of whatever is holding you back, be it through finding a solution or recognizing that there’s nothing you can do about it at the moment. Don’t wait for your freedom to come to you; make it come to you.

Tell Me: What do you do to find happiness and freedom from anxiety, anger, or worry?

My Long-Time Acquaintance, Panic

So I’m trying something new. I have decided to write a little bit of narrative to supplement my blog with a more personal touch. This is only a small part of my story, but I think it is worthy of sharing.

I’ve been dealing with mental illness since my early teenage years, but it hasn’t been until the last four years that I’ve developed what I have come to think of as some of the most severe symptoms I’ve ever faced. Mainly, I think of panic disorder. It’s exhausting living your life through fearful eyes. It is paralyzing. I’ve developed phobias out of it. A few are rational, but most make no sense. The fear strikes at anytime, sometimes without reason, and stifles any enjoyment of the moment.

At first, I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t know panic attacks even existed. The first time I had an attack, I was at work in a grocery store. I was monitoring the self checkout when I felt a wave of fear strike. I was unable to walk, my legs became jelly; I felt like I was thinking and moving without control over my actions. I was detached from reality. I couldn’t feel my hands and feet. I started hyperventilating and I didn’t know what was happening to me. I thought I was having a heart attack. I remember leaving the grocery store in the middle of my shift and driving myself to the hospital. That in itself was one of the most terrifying drives I have ever experienced. When the Emergency Room staff didn’t have a clear answer for me because I’d already calmed down, I decided to do some research. I thought I was dehydrated so I started drinking more water and sports drinks. Then I had a second attack so I ended up in the Emergency Room again. This time they told me I’d had a panic attack, wrote a prescription for the highly addictive pill, Xanax, and sent me on my way.

What I wish I’d remember more often is that fear is a choice. It can’t control me; I control it. I choose how to react when panic strikes. I can either tell myself that it will pass or I can give in to it. For awhile there, I was popping Benadryl like candy whenever I felt the beginnings of an attack. I wouldn’t wait for it to develop into a full blown attack. It was easier to pop a pill than to deal with the fear of dying and realization of every last symptom that went along with it. But I was sleeping over 14 hours a day and was so fatigued when I did wake up that I felt no motivation to move from my bed. This was not the way I wanted to live.

So now I still deal with panic attacks, but I am not popping a pill every time I have one. I wait until I know I absolutely need it, when I can’t talk myself out of it, or my closest support at the moment is not available. It has become much easier now to recognize my symptoms of an attack and who to reach out to when things become tough. Learning your symptoms is challenging at first and it can continue to be a challenge for quite some time. However, taking the time to listen to your body and thoughts will help you recognize your symptoms faster. Be patient with yourself, it will take time.

Tell Me: How do you cope with panic attacks or phobias?

Thought of the Week

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“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”- The Buddha

This is another quote that I wish I had seen when I was feeling at my lowest. It brings up a very good point; show yourself love. There are several ways you can show yourself love and affection. It is important, for your mental health, to get time in to show yourself the love you very much deserve. I’ve heard it phrased as “romancing yourself” as well.

Taking care of yourself physically. Basic hygiene and care is great and very important, but so is treating yourself to things you wouldn’t normally do that make you feel special. Getting a pedicure, styling your hair, or going for a scenic walk doesn’t have to cost you a lot of money. You can find things to do at home that make you feel beautiful. This should improve your self esteem which might reduce some social or personal anxiety. I find the better I feel about how I look, the better my overall mood.

Taking care of yourself mentally. Showing yourself affection doesn’t have to be expensive and there is a lot you can do to take care of your mind. Try participating in or learning a new hobby. Read a book. Write in a journal. Just do something that makes you think “I am proud of myself for taking the time to do this.” You are taking the time to better your mind. Also, try saying nice things to yourself everyday. Look in a mirror and notice your smile. Try saying something like “you are gorgeous today!” Appreciate yourself and who you are. Even if you don’t believe yourself at first, practicing leads to believing. I’ve heard it said that people who smile more in the mirror, feel better about themselves in time.

Going out on a date. If you have the money and the time, try taking yourself on a date. Go out to that restaurant you’ve been wanting to try. Go out shopping for a trendy new outfit or some amazing heels. Buy yourself your favorite flowers and go get your favorite hot or frosty beverage at the local coffee shop in town. By treating yourself to a gift, something you really want as opposed to a necessity, you reinforce positive thinking. You’re essentially telling yourself, “I am worth it.”